The following is the 5^th in a series of 7 posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season.  The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013.  All rights reserved.  Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

I’ve been working my way through the list of most common barriers to BE-ing with suffering that I hear from professionals and lay persons across the country.  I’ve worked through the following in this series:

•  Feel the need to fix it
• Uncomfortable with pain and tears
• Uncomfortable with silence

That leaves the following two topics to cover:

• Fear saying the wrong thing
• Fear not knowing what to say

I’ll conclude the series with things TO say.  Today and tomorrow, I’ll cover what NOT to say.  In short?

Avoid clichés, any form of theologizing and giving unsolicited advice.  Details below.

          CLICHÉS    Who hasn’t heard (or said!) “Time heals all wounds”, “It’ll be ok”, or “She lived a good, long life” to someone who was hurting?  Yes, clichés are so well-used because they contain kernels of truth.  But they also are way too easy of a go-to.

They are a verbal security blanket that let us feel like we are doing something positive, even heroic, when all we’re really doing is lazily relying on tired phrases that foster no intimacy or connection, and leave those in pain out in the cold.

They’re also a convenient way to hold people at arm’s length rather than really touch them, or their pain which so threatens us.  Cliches can say, “I feel uncomfortable with your discomfort, so I want you to hurry up and feel better now so I can feel better.”  I only know this translation because it hid (and still hides) under my words to grievers for much of my life.

It wasn’t all selfish.  I truly did want the people I loved to feel better and not hurt.  But I wanted it so badly that I neglected to see that they needed, they deserved, the slow and painful process of finding peace that true healing requires.  

Here are a few examples and brief thoughts about why they aren’t helpful:

• Time heals all wounds.–Generally, yes, but that does nothing for pain they’re in now.
• This will fade.–Ditto
• It’ll be ok.–We never truly know how things will turn out.  It’s easy to say that when we’re not living through it.
• She lived a good, long life.–That doesn’t make grief any less painful.  Do not minimize their pain.
• “Well at least…” —ANYTHING that follows will minimize their feelings.  Stop yourself when you hear these words.
• It was for the best.–That’s your opinion but may not be theirs.  To declare their pain positive is dismissive.

         ADVICE     They’re stressed, overwhelmed.  Life as they knew it has been turned upside down.  Suddenly, everyone has an opinion about what they should do, how they should do it, and why.

Advice given, for which we did not ask, can feel insulting and condescending.  Besides, it often comes with a sense of judgment if the advice isn’t taken and reeks of blaming the victim, “If you would only do what I suggest, you would be better…but if you don’t WANT to feel better…”

See how that distances us from their pain?  The implication is that the pain or problem is easily fixable  “if only they would…”  That psychological defense helps us feel more in control of suffering and less vulnerable to it.

The person grieving, for instance, “wouldn’t hurt so much” or “could be easily helped” if they would simply do what we tell them.  So long as we can believe it’s that easy, we feel less threatened that some day we may be in their shoes and similarly unable to control the circumstances.

So not only can it feel insulting and condescending, as in “I know better than you how you should do your life”, but the lack of understanding can leave the suffering feeling blamed, judged, and even more alone.

When I had a health scare 2 years ago, I suddenly had LOTS of people with LOTS of ideas and stories to share.  I did not have the emotional, mental, or spiritual space for it, and every new suggestion simply added to my overflowing plate.

I had so much new information to absorb and process from a half dozen new specialists, and many around me just added to my stress rather than help carry or comfort it.

At rest, the brain consumes a significant portion of our bodies’ resources.  Under stress, that number more than doubles, leaving us feeling as if we’ve run a marathon because of the sheer amount of calories, oxygen, and other energy supplies our minds require.

The key to advice, I believe, is to always ask ourselves the question, “Did they ask?” 

If they did not, we keep our mouths closed.  If we think we truly have some information that could be of huge benefit that we cannot stop ourselves from wanting to share, we can say, “I have an idea of something that might help.  If you have space for it, let me know and I’ll share it.”  IF they want it and WHEN they have space for it, they can approach you and ask, and you don’t run the risk of being the proverbial straw that breaks the camel.

Here are some examples of some general advice-giving to avoid:

• You just have to be strong.
• Just focus on the positive.
• Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad.
• You can (marry, have a baby, etc.) again
• It’s been a year.  Aren’t you over it, yet?
• Don’t cry         (There’s also something I call “The Tissue Effect” I’ll write about another day)
• You’ve got to move on with your life.
• To children – You’re the man of the house now.
• To children – Be strong for your mom.
• “I know a web site to help you meet someone” (Yep, I heard of that one spoken to a grieving widow 3 months after her young husband died).

THEOLOGIZING      We each have our own faith or thought systems (i.e., non-theists), the ways we make sense of the world and find meaning in it.  What works for us may not work for another and may, instead, leave them feeling similarly judged.  Even worse, it can leave them feeling abandoned by or angry with G_d.

If their faith or system of thought provides such answers to them and are helpful to them, that’s fine.  But suffering can lead us to question everything we’ve believed because our former ways of seeing the world, the answers that once worked for us, can come unraveled and no longer do so.

Just in case this isn’t what they believe, or if they believe any of the phrases below BUT they are struggling with that belief, don’t try to help explain or justify that G_d has somehow caused this (or failed to prevent it).  For many, such ideas make G_d seem neglectful, and even abusive.

• All things work together for good.
• Everything happens for a reason.
• She’s in a better place. (As one woman shared, “What better place is there for my mama than here beside me?!”)
• G_d understand(s).
• You should count your blessings.
• It was just her time.
• We’re never given more than we can handle.
• G_d needed another angel.
• Trust G_d’s plan/will.

One grief counselor said to me,

“As a person of faith, I have seen far too many grievers hurt by well meaning individuals trying to be helpful…The power of consistent presence can say so much more than any phrase.  To sit with another in their pain, and not try to fix it is hard, but a real offering to the griever.”

WHEN WE SLIP…

            We will not be perfect.  We will make mistakes.  I still do!  So we can go ahead and let go of shame, which does them no good, and resolve now to catch ourselves, apologize, and start again.

May we find space within ourselves to not abandon, or abuse, those suffering with our words but to simply BE with them in the ways that THEY need.

Peace…