The following is the 4^th in a series of brief posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season.  The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013.  All rights reserved.  Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

Of “The 5 Most Common Barriers to BE-ing with Others’ Pain” that I hear from lay persons and professionals alike, we’ve now covered 1) feeling the need to “fix” their pain and 2) feeling uncomfortable with pain and tears.

In the last post, I discussed 3) discomfort with silence, namely about finding comfortable silence within ourselves.  Today, I’ll address being silent with others.

My favorite professor in seminary was teaching us about pastoral counseling one afternoon and said to a room full of eager-to-help-the-world ministry students, “Remember, Job’s friends got it right…until they opened up their damn mouths!”

As we simply “sit Shiva” with others in the midst of their sackcloth and ashes, we provide a comforting presence, reminding them they are not alone as they sit with their pain.  But then comes our need to wax eloquent, to believe that we have something of God to say to them about their suffering.

We want so badly for their suffering to end.  We feel so anxious to make it hurry up and feel better.  And of course we do!  But most often our words ring hollow and leave them feeling overwhelmed, unseen, and even more alone.  Even worse, our words can do damage.

We’ll cover what NOT to say and what TO say in the next few days.  But for now, how do we find comfort with simply saying nothing?

In classes on the “Art of Presence” and “Communication”, I have participants do several exercises.  In pairs, they practice listening without responding—no head nods, no “uh huhs”, no smiles or raised eyebrows.  They learn to just sit and exude being fully open and present, not shut down and coldly non-responsive, but silently engaged without imposing on the process.

The speaking partner is often surprised by how much more space they find to speak openly and vulnerably when they know they won’t be interrupted.  They all are amazed that without sounds, movement, or facial expressions, the listener can still ooze warmth and presence out of their pores. 

You may be naturally comfortable with silence.  But are you just as comfortable in silence WITH someone else, especially when they are hurting?

We practice silence to keep us sane and pleasant to be around, but also so that we can sit with our own discomfort and be better able to sit silently with others’ pain.  Can we do so without needing to fix it, change it, or gloss it over with words that serve as a verbal security blanket for us and leave them feeling left out in the cold?

When we are uncomfortable with pain and/or uncomfortable with silence, we’ll do with others what we do when we’re alone—we’ll seek to escape it, stuff it, drown it out, or brush by it.  Our friends, loved ones, and patients with whom we work deserve better, and so do we.

We think we have to have something profound or “helpful” to say, but we really don’t.  Nothing will take the pain away.  The only way truly out of it is through it.  Platitudes and theologizing are bandaids at best and do damage at worst. 

Telling them “It’s going to be ok”, even when we know that’s not always the case, or “You just have to trust…” which is easy for us to say as an armchair quarterback, can dofar more damage than saying nothing at all.

As one bereavement specialist shared with me of her own time of grief,

“I remember vividly hearing someone say, ‘I don’t know what to say’ so they said nothing.  They said it with such regret in their voice that I reframed their comment to, ‘I have no words to tell you how sorry I am.’  This seemed to help, especially when the awkwardness of ‘having the correct thing to say’ could potentially translate to…avoidance/a lack of concern.”

            We may fear that silence will indicate apathy, but I assure you that you can beam presence and connection without ever having to utter a sound.  Often, that’s the best and safest way to do so.

A sense of connection with the living and breathing warmth of others that says “You are not alone” is often the best we have to give, and it is enough.

Please don’t misunderstand, I do not ask us to be robots and have no emotion or no response at all.  I simply ask that we get over our own need to DO something, which is about us.  Only then will whatever words we do happen to say come from a place that is about truly showing up and BE-ing with them.

Peace…