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“Hospice Whispers” Necklace On Sale NOW!

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Thursday, December 3rd, 2015 in Uncategorized

Friends,

After numerous requests the past few years, and months of working with the artist, the necklace I wear every day that became the book cover for Hospice Whispers: Stories of Life is now available!

Each piece is a replica of my necklace but, because of the nature of the glass and firing technique, will have it’s own unique look and character.

You will receive the pendant with silver-plated bell, silk chord (clasp not included), gift box, and the story of the Hospice Whispers necklace for $39.95 plus 8.25% tax ($43.25 total per necklace).

In the Austin area, I’ll hand deliver it to you. Outside of the Austin area, please add $3.50 S&H.

Payments can be made by clicking this PayPal link

4417 Banister Ln

Austin, Texas 78745

Please included your shipping address and phone number, in case I need to reach you about your order or so I may arrange hand delivery!

Items will be delivered once payment is received. All sales are final. Email me at carla@carlacheatham.com for more information.

I hope you enjoy this beautiful piece, with a long story of love and life behind it. I look forward to sharing it with you!

Peace,

Carla

What CAN I Say?: Day 7 of BE-ing with Suffering

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Thursday, January 1st, 2015 in Spiritual Care Integrity and Excellence

The following is the final in a 7-part series of posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season. The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013. All rights reserved. Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

We made it! We’ve covered some of the top barriers to BE-ing with others’ pain:

Fear saying the wrong thing
Feel the need to fix it
Uncomfortable with pain and tears
Uncomfortable with silence

Now we can cover the last:

Fear not knowing what to say

I spend much of this presentation telling folks what NOT to say, encouraging them to say nothing but to just BE present. I talk about how to find a logical, theological, philosophical, emotional, and physical sense of grounding that will help them let go of the need to DO so they can simply BE.

But many miss the point, or aren’t quite ready for it, yet. They appear somewhat frustrated as they continue to insist I tell them what they CAN say. And I get it.

Pain can be terrifying. Being emotionally available with another’s vulnerability can bring out our biggest “oh crap!” fears. I’d rather do fractions that, since I missed the first 3 days on fractions in 3^rd grade and never caught up, still gives me the hives!

They still can’t quite get it that saying nothing verbally can be done with a sense of presence and grace and compassion that says far more than words ever could. In fact, presence alone can say far more since words aren’t there to get in the way!

But I used training wheels as I learned to ride a bike. I used inflatable bumpers in the gutter when I was five. I learned under the supervision of more experienced professionals as a therapist, pastor, and chaplain until I was a little less green and a little more competent.

To protect myself and others from my novice skills, I find and use support. I got back up on my roller blades not long ago, at the tennis court where I could grab the fence rather than face plant until I get my strength and sense of balance beefed up a bit. And, I pay an accountant not only so I won’t have to take Benadryl for my math hives but also so I won’t make an innocent mistake and go to jail!

My main concern, and why I spend so little time on this part of the series, is that verbal training wheels run the risk of becoming addictive. They give us an out so that we feel we never have to learn this whole presence thing and, instead, hide under our verbal security blankets and leave those hurting out in the cold, untouched by true connection.

And then I find that all I’ve done is given folks a whole new list of pat phrases that will become just as damaging as those old, used-up, dry-as-dirt clichés that do nothing to touch someone’s pain.

So please, if you find yourself REALLY wanting to know what TO say, I ask that you stop for a moment and ask yourself why…what scares you? The answer may help you go a bit deeper in your ability with the art of BE-ing.

No number of slick, skilled, “perfect” words will be of any use if you aren’t settled within, and are using them to distance yourself from the other rather than convey that you are with them and they are not alone.

But again, I know that when we are first learning, some supports are helpful. So here are some phrases to consider if they would be helpful. Whatever you use, find what works for your voice and your personality. Pulling someone else’s words out can sound canned and fail to let someone else feel seen and heard. Find you, and share that. That is always the best gift you have to bring.

What TO Say:

I hear you. (Can be quietly repeated as they talk as much as they need, and they’ll likely talk more if not interrupted by anything you feel the need to say.)

Would you like to tell me about him/her?

Would you like to talk about it?

I wish I had answers. I’m sorry I don’t.

I can only imagine how hard this is.

You’re not alone. We’re with you, as much as you would like.

I love/care about you.

I trust you to make it through this, even when it feels like you can’t.

I am so sorry. (Why not, “…for your loss”?—A loved one who has died did not “pass” like gas; they are not “lost” so we don’t need to put their faces on milk cartons. Euphemisms can be another way of distancing from their pain. Don’t use them!)

Can I please __(mow the yard, do the *laundry, pick up the kids)__ for you? (*ALWAYS ASK FIRST so you do not accidentally mow down the wildflowers she planted that look like weeds or launder his smell out of his favorite shirt.)

I’m here.

That’s it. There may be others, but I think long and hard about using them. Even some of the above, I’m hesitant to suggest, because they can be used in a way that drives disconnection rather than fuel connection, as I once heard Brene’ Brown share. So please, use these carefully. Think them through. Talk about them with a friend and see what feels natural and helpful for you, from your mouth and heart.

And please, if you do just HAVE to offer them a Kleenex, make sure you tell them this isn’t code for “please stop crying”, but support for them to feel free to continue crying as long as they need without being distracted by snot and tears!

When we can extend the gift of true presence to another, it is priceless, and has absolutely NOTHING to do with our words. It is a very rare gift. But I’m hoping to change that. With your help, we can help each other learn how to BE with suffering in a way that brings comfort and healing, rather than isolation and more pain.

To close this series, I’ll leave you with the words of a talented colleague who shared the following. They are words of challenge for us all, professional and lay person alike. I give thanks to Karl Knox, Director of Bereavement at Gulfside Hospice & Pasco Palliative Care, for his words and the permission to share them:

“As much as it might be helpful for some professionals to have a few key phrases in their back pocket, I would tend look more closely at what drives us – in this profession – to want to try and ‘fix things‘ or ‘make things better.‘ I would look at what makes US uncomfortable personally.

For example, if someone is sobbing uncontrollably, are we tempted to try and ‘fix that’ because we’re personally uncomfortable with deep grief? Do we hand them a tissue and say ‘it’s going to be OK’ even when we know, in our hearts, that at this moment that’s not at all a certain thing?

Sitting with someone’s pain, without trying to intellectualize it with pat phrases, is an art….and a big part of that art is knowing yourself well enough to recognize when you’re actually trying to ‘get something’ from the person you’re working with (praise, thank you’s, a pat on the back). I believe people know when we’re being genuinely present with them, and when we’re trying to get them to make us feel better about our role as a professional.”

Peace,

Carla

More of What NOT to Say: Day 6 of BE-ing with Suffering

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Wednesday, December 31st, 2014 in Spiritual Care Integrity and Excellence

The following is the 6^th in a series of 7 posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season. The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013. All rights reserved. Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

So far in this series, I’ve covered these barriers to being with others’ pain:

Feel the need to fix it
Uncomfortable with pain and tears
Uncomfortable with silence

Yesterday I started covering one of our greatest fears:

Fear saying the wrong thing

I’ll finish covering this topic today and tomorrow will end the series with what TO say!

Last July, I posted some of the following information under the presentation title “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering”. I’ll expand on that content today.

LA Times April 2013, Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

I came across the “Ring Theory” in the LA Times April 7, 2013. Written by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman, it stems from their professional practice and personal experience. (CLICK on image for a clearer view).

It has become one of the most effective tools I use in helping others “get it” that tough times are NOT about us. It helps us to visualize where we need to take our own fears, frustrations, and other forms of processing when someone around is ill.

In the fall of 2012, when I had my own medical scare (I’m fine now) and started making my own list of “The well-intended but stupid things we say when someone is hurting”, I was amazed by the flood of people who needed to tell me their story or their friend’s or sister’s or dog’s story.

I was often too tired and fuzzy-headed from stress to be able to realize what was happening in time to set a boundary, and then I was being emotionally vomited upon…at least, that’s what it often felt like.

Once, a person realized too late into her tale that the young woman she was describing died shortly after surgery. Her face fell in horror as she realized her gaffe. As horrified as I was at her mis-step, I also felt for her. She meant no harm.

But in our jumble of thoughts and words and awkwardness, we stumble—horribly at times. I wanted to help. That’s where my presentation came from, and from which this series is taken.

Yesterday, I discussed the various clichés and theologizing we often use, that distances ourselves from the pain or hopelessness someone else is feeling. I wrote of how such words can minimize or invalidate others’ feelings, essentially telling them to “Trust God and get over it”. I talked about the damage that does as it shuts down the normal grief process that is so necessary for healing.

Today, I’m re-sharing the Ring Theory as a way of helping us know what else NOT to say. In short, is says that the person who is suffering, say a person with cancer, is in the center of the circle. Around them are concentric circles, with their closest loved ones in the first circle, then other friends in the next circle out, then co-workers and acquaintances in the next, etc.

Silk and Goldman suggest that you “comfort in” by speaking only supportive and encouraging words to those who are closer in toward the patient than yourself and, if you feel the need to process your own feelings, you “dump out” by speaking those words only to someone who is in a circle further out from the patient than you.

The patient in the center can vent and gripe anywhere because in that circumstance it really IS all about them. It is a simple and easy tool to visualize where we are in another’s process and how to gauge to whom we can speak of how “awful this is” or process our own story of “my Aunt Maureen had the same thing…”.

Those who are stressed have no space to hear our stories. They’re living their own! They have little energy to set boundaries with well-intentioned but worn out and damaging clichés, unsolicited advice, theological preaching, or the processing of our feelings or old stories.

As I’ve said before, as much as we want to, nothing we say can ever “make it all better.” But our being fully present with them in their pain may help. That means letting go of our stories, our nervously blurted words, our need to talk about how sad or scared we are for them WITH them, or their spouse, etc. We find other places to dump our feelings.

Instead, walk their dog, do a few loads of laundry (but ALWAYS ask first—you don’t want to wash the scent out of a deceased loved one’s clothes if it’s one of the last shirts with “his” smell on it!), take their kids to the park to play for a while, or provide any other sort of practical support. By doing so, we communicate so much more care than most words can convey.

And if we can find it in ourselves to do so, we can sit quietly and calmly with them while they process or feel their feelings, whatever they may be.

We can remember that we need not say ANYthing except, if we feel we just have to say something, “I hear you”, “I wish I had answers”, “I’m so sorry”, and other simple, short, sincere statements that acknowledge their pain while not shutting it down or running from it. I’ll talk about those options more, tomorrow.

For now, please tattoo that picture inside your brain and heart. When someone around you is hurting, find where you are in the diagram. Dump whatever you need to OUT to someone further away from the patient/crisis than you. Then, when you show up, you can really show up WITH and FOR them, with what they need and provide comfort IN to those interior circles.

Such visuals can work for us. One friend called me from up north yesterday afternoon and thanked me for sharing a picture of a dog hugging a woman with the words “We fear silence will indicate apathy…but we can exude presence without making a sound”. She said it was timely, as she received a call that afternoon from a friend in extreme crisis.

“Carla, I was able to just sit and listen for 30 straight minutes without jumping in, because I kept seeing that picture in my head and could remind myself, ‘No. Wait. Just listen.’ It was such a gift.”

THAT is why I do this. I hope you’re finding some helpful information in this series, sharing it with others, and will share feedback with me so that together we can all find a better way to be with pain, our own and each others’!

Peace,

Carla

Clichés, Advice, & Theologizing NO-NOs: Day 5 of BE-ing with Suffering

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Tuesday, December 30th, 2014 in Spiritual Care Integrity and Excellence

The following is the 5^th in a series of 7 posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season. The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013. All rights reserved. Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

I’ve been working my way through the list of most common barriers to BE-ing with suffering that I hear from professionals and lay persons across the country. I’ve worked through the following in this series:

Feel the need to fix it
Uncomfortable with pain and tears
Uncomfortable with silence

That leaves the following two topics to cover:

Fear saying the wrong thing
Fear not knowing what to say

I’ll conclude the series with things TO say. Today and tomorrow, I’ll cover what NOT to say. In short?

Avoid clichés, any form of theologizing and giving unsolicited advice. Details below.

CLICHÉS Who hasn’t heard (or said!) “Time heals all wounds”, “It’ll be ok”, or “She lived a good, long life” to someone who was hurting? Yes, clichés are so well-used because they contain kernels of truth. But they also are way too easy of a go-to.

They are a verbal security blanket that let us feel like we are doing something positive, even heroic, when all we’re really doing is lazily relying on tired phrases that foster no intimacy or connection, and leave those in pain out in the cold.

They’re also a convenient way to hold people at arm’s length rather than really touch them, or their pain which so threatens us. Cliches can say, “I feel uncomfortable with your discomfort, so I want you to hurry up and feel better now so I can feel better.” I only know this translation because it hid (and still hides) under my words to grievers for much of my life.

It wasn’t all selfish. I truly did want the people I loved to feel better and not hurt. But I wanted it so badly that I neglected to see that they needed, they deserved, the slow and painful process of finding peace that true healing requires.

Here are a few examples and brief thoughts about why they aren’t helpful:

Time heals all wounds.–Generally, yes, but that does nothing for pain they’re in now.
This will fade.–Ditto
It’ll be ok.–We never truly know how things will turn out. It’s easy to say that when we’re not living through it.
She lived a good, long life.–That doesn’t make grief any less painful. Do not minimize their pain.
“Well at least…” —ANYTHING that follows will minimize their feelings. Stop yourself when you hear these words.
It was for the best.–That’s your opinion but may not be theirs. To declare their pain positive is dismissive.

ADVICE They’re stressed, overwhelmed. Life as they knew it has been turned upside down. Suddenly, everyone has an opinion about what they should do, how they should do it, and why.

Advice given, for which we did not ask, can feel insulting and condescending. Besides, it often comes with a sense of judgment if the advice isn’t taken and reeks of blaming the victim, “If you would only do what I suggest, you would be better…but if you don’t WANT to feel better…”

See how that distances us from their pain? The implication is that the pain or problem is easily fixable “if only they would…” That psychological defense helps us feel more in control of suffering and less vulnerable to it.

The person grieving, for instance, “wouldn’t hurt so much” or “could be easily helped” if they would simply do what we tell them. So long as we can believe it’s that easy, we feel less threatened that some day we may be in their shoes and similarly unable to control the circumstances.

So not only can it feel insulting and condescending, as in “I know better than you how you should do your life”, but the lack of understanding can leave the suffering feeling blamed, judged, and even more alone.

When I had a health scare 2 years ago, I suddenly had LOTS of people with LOTS of ideas and stories to share. I did not have the emotional, mental, or spiritual space for it, and every new suggestion simply added to my overflowing plate.

I had so much new information to absorb and process from a half dozen new specialists, and many around me just added to my stress rather than help carry or comfort it.

At rest, the brain consumes a significant portion of our bodies’ resources. Under stress, that number more than doubles, leaving us feeling as if we’ve run a marathon because of the sheer amount of calories, oxygen, and other energy supplies our minds require.

The key to advice, I believe, is to always ask ourselves the question, “Did they ask?”

If they did not, we keep our mouths closed. If we think we truly have some information that could be of huge benefit that we cannot stop ourselves from wanting to share, we can say, “I have an idea of something that might help. If you have space for it, let me know and I’ll share it.” IF they want it and WHEN they have space for it, they can approach you and ask, and you don’t run the risk of being the proverbial straw that breaks the camel.

Here are some examples of some general advice-giving to avoid:

You just have to be strong.
Just focus on the positive.
Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad.
You can (marry, have a baby, etc.) again
It’s been a year. Aren’t you over it, yet?
Don’t cry (There’s also something I call “The Tissue Effect” I’ll write about another day)
You’ve got to move on with your life.
To children – You’re the man of the house now.
To children – Be strong for your mom.
“I know a web site to help you meet someone” (Yep, I heard of that one spoken to a grieving widow 3 months after her young husband died).

THEOLOGIZING We each have our own faith or thought systems (i.e., non-theists), the ways we make sense of the world and find meaning in it. What works for us may not work for another and may, instead, leave them feeling similarly judged. Even worse, it can leave them feeling abandoned by or angry with G_d.

If their faith or system of thought provides such answers to them and are helpful to them, that’s fine. But suffering can lead us to question everything we’ve believed because our former ways of seeing the world, the answers that once worked for us, can come unraveled and no longer do so.

Just in case this isn’t what they believe, or if they believe any of the phrases below BUT they are struggling with that belief, don’t try to help explain or justify that G_d has somehow caused this (or failed to prevent it). For many, such ideas make G_d seem neglectful, and even abusive.

All things work together for good.
Everything happens for a reason.
She’s in a better place. (As one woman shared, “What better place is there for my mama than here beside me?!”)
G_d understand(s).
You should count your blessings.
It was just her time.
We’re never given more than we can handle.
G_d needed another angel.
Trust G_d’s plan/will.

One grief counselor said to me,

“As a person of faith, I have seen far too many grievers hurt by well meaning individuals trying to be helpful…The power of consistent presence can say so much more than any phrase. To sit with another in their pain, and not try to fix it is hard, but a real offering to the griever.”

WHEN WE SLIP…

We will not be perfect. We will make mistakes. I still do! So we can go ahead and let go of shame, which does them no good, and resolve now to catch ourselves, apologize, and start again.

May we find space within ourselves to not abandon, or abuse, those suffering with our words but to simply BE with them in the ways that THEY need.

Peace…

Comfort with Silence: Day 3 of BE-ing with Suffering

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Wednesday, December 24th, 2014 in Spiritual Care Integrity and Excellence, Uncategorized

The following is the 3^rd in a series of 7 brief posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season. The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013. All rights reserved. Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

In Day 1 and Day 2 of this series, I covered two of the most frequently mentioned barriers I hear to BE-ing with others’ pain (as listed here):

Fear not knowing what to say
Fear saying the wrong thing
Feel the need to fix it
Uncomfortable with pain and tears
Uncomfortable with silence

I offered Lao Tzu’s wise words about being a “midwife” and not trying to “fix” others’ pain or process. Then I shared some simple tools for simply being with others in pain.

Today and tomorrow, I’ll talk about the greatest, and perhaps most challenging, of tools—silence. I believe it’s one of the top 5 things we most crave and fear (sounds like another blog series!). It is the best advice I have to offer when folks ask me what to DO when others are hurting…I say, just BE.

A nurse who attended a training I did in Iowa last year summed up the philosophy handed down to her by old-school nurses this way, “We just get to show up and shut up!”

But the silence has to start before we are even with patients or our hurting loved ones. If I can’t be quiet in myself, how can I be quiet with you?

John S. Savage writes, “You can enter the pain of another only at the level you can enter your own.” If I can’t be with myself, with my own “stuff”, how can I even pretend that I can be effectively WITH anyone else and their pain?

I share more about how and why we practice silent presence with others in tomorrow’s post. Today, I want to discuss how we find silence for ourselves.

I ask folks in conferences and webinars I lead, for lay persons and professionals, “How comfortable are you with silence?”

5 “very comfortable”
4 “somewhat comfortable”
3 “neutral”
2 “not very”
1 “not at all”
0 “Don’t know, I’ve never tried it!”

We have so little silence in our world and lives, even when we truly want it, that when we do have the opportunity for it, it can feel uncomfortable. We often try to keep the homeostasis to which we’ve become accustomed by turning on the radio, tv, cruising our smart phones, calling a friend, or talking to our pets. We don’t know how to be quiet within ourselves, anymore.

As a big ole pot calling everyone else black, and as a raging extrovert who loves people and thrives off the energy of interactions, I confess that this has had to be a discipline I’ve practices, since silence isn’t always a natural trait for me.

I spent innumerable hours as a child sitting in the same patch of grass watching the tiniest of pin-head-sized flowers wiggle in the wind and rolly pollies/pill bugs walk across my blue jeans and shoelaces and the smallest of pebbles. I knew about it once and did it well.

Realizing that I had allowed the noise in my life to get out of control, and realizing how I was addicted to “needing” noise to feel “ok”, I intentionally chose not to connect internet or phone or television to my home the last time I moved. Since I did not have a smart phone at the time, when I was home I was completely unplugged.

I was just beginning to do more traveling to present conferences and workshops (largely around the topics of presence!). I knew that A) as a chaplain, if I could not sit with myself, I couldn’t really think that I could sit and really BE with anyone else and B) that I risked losing my sense of grounding in the midst of the new busy-ness and did not want to become any of the yucky things we humans can become when we start to spend more time on a stage.

So I created silent space for myself. I faced the fears we often come up against—will I like what I see inside? Can I handle being “alone” with myself? Will I be enough? Will I fall into a well of emotions or thoughts (that I avoid when I stay flooded with noise) and get lost in there, not be able to find my way out?

One afternoon I was presenting this to a group of chaplains. As I spoke, I noticed and named 3 distinct reactions,

“About a third of you know exactly what I’m talking about and are giving my slow, smiling, knowing nod of understanding. Another third of you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about and are looking at me with that sideways head tilt like the RCA dog. Another third of you have that deer-in-the-headlights look because you know what I’m talking about but you haven’t gone there and you want me to hurry and shut the hell up because it scares the crap out of you!”

Hank, my little old man, waiting for someone, anyone to throw the ball again!

The whole room cracked up, laughing gently at themselves. There’s no shame or judgment in this. It’s just a reminder that the best way to care for others is to put our own oxygen masks on first. I’ve learned that, for me, if I start to avoid silence then I’m usually avoiding dealing with something. It becomes a signal to me that I need to spend some time alone before I stuff things too far down for too long.

Bella, my youngest Border Collie rescue, at one of our favorite swimming holes.

Today, I know if I’m not out on a hike at least once a week, something is wrong. Either I’m too busy, have allowed life to become too chaotic, or I’m avoiding something (or all of the above!)

Having 2 border collies who need that exercise and whom I run with a few times a week also makes a huge difference. By mile 2, my thoughts start flooding and I can hear myself in ways I cannot when I flood my ears and brain with other noise.

This picture is of one of my favorite places on earth. It is where I often go to find silence within. I hope you can find space for yourself, even if you need to ask a friend to join you on the quest so it feels less overwhelming, to seek out quiet in and for yourself.

I promise you, you won’t get lost in there, you will be able to handle what you find, you will be enough, and the gifts are so worth the scariness of the initial process! The positive side-effect is that BE-ing truly present with others’ struggles becomes much, much less challenging.

Peace…

Sitting with Pain: Day 2 of BE-ing with Suffering

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Tuesday, December 23rd, 2014 in Spiritual Care Integrity and Excellence

The following is the 2^nd in a series of 7 brief posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season. The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013. All rights reserved. Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

I most frequently hear these barriers to BE-ing with others’ pain:

Fear not knowing what to say
Fear saying the wrong thing
Feel the need to fix it
Uncomfortable with pain and tears
Uncomfortable with silence

Hopefully yesterday’s post helped us move a bit further away from needing to “fix” others’ pain, since that understandable desire of ours can actually lead us to harm them with ill-chosen words or abandon them by saying nothing.

Today, I’ll quickly cover some of the Dos and Don’tsto help us find more comfort with discomfort and provide the caring presence we WANT to be when others are hurting.

I joke that this is the guardian angel in charge of monitoring my mouth. None of us wants to do harm, so here are some simple tools:

Provide Presence

Follow Their Lead

Normalize vs. Minimize

Avoid “Reason”

Provide Presence—When computers first came into the workplace, co-workers thought I was a tech guru. I’m far from it! All I did, was stand beside their desk with a gentle hand on their shoulder as I peered at the screen with them. I breathed slowly and spoke calmly as I got them to talk through the issue.

As they relaxed, they found the solution they needed with whatever program they were working on. They just needed to know they weren’t alone and to have the comfort of someone with them while they found quiet space inside themselves to discover exactly what they needed.

I did nothing more than just BE with them and help create safe space as they go through the journey they need to make to find their way through.

Follow their Lead—A friend recently reminded me that in the Jewish tradition of sitting Shiva, the period of mourning and prayers following the death of a loved one, those coming to “sit” with the bereaved are not to initiate conversation.

They simply sit, and if the mourners wish to talk about the deceased or the weather or football or nothing the visitors follow their conversational lead wherever they do or don’t want to go.

By the picture I do not mean to infantilize those suffering, but I do mean to challenge us to be willing to be a little uncomfortable, feel a little foolish, in order to be with them exactly where they are. This is THEIR process (remember the Lao Tzu midwife quote?) and not ours to impose our own ideas or needs upon.

Normalize vs Minimize—This is one of my favorite movie shots of all time as the T-Rex in Jurassic Park is bearing down on the SUV. My fears get much bigger when I’m in pain. Everything feels scarier to me and greatly out of proportion.

The temptation is to try to make people feel better by minimizing their pain. The trouble is, it’s not our pain to categorize, size, frame, or try to tamp down. Any hint that their pain isn’t warranted will only shut others down (or piss them off!) It’s an understandable defense mechanism we humans have, but it leaves grievers feeling not seen, not heard, and even more isolated and alone than before.

So we accept that their pain makes sense. We validate their feelings. Of COURSE they feel the way that feel! It’s normal! Their grief is THEIR grief and NO ONE should tell them how they should be feeling or responding.

And never start a sentence with “Well at least…” As one bereavement counselor I know said, “No matter what follows that opening line, you are minimizing the griever’s feelings.”

Avoid “Reason”—One of my greatest default defenses is intellectualizing. My close friends know there are times when I launch into logic to avoid uncomfortable feelings, and lovingly call me out on it!

Sometimes, logic isn’t readily available to us. When we are under extreme duress, our pre-fontal cortex, the area that controls executive function and decision-making, can get flooded with stress hormones that leave us not thinking clearly. Trying to get someone to “reason” through their feelings is impractical and doesn’t honor their process. So we, again, acknowledge and validate their feelings, giving them plenty of space to feel safe being exactly where they are.

We also are best served to not expect them to be able to answer, “How can I help?” The brain gets fuzzy and it’s hard to know what to even ask for. Questions can feel overwhelming.

So think of some concrete and practical ways you can be of support and then ask their permission to do it. Part of the asking is about respect and allowing them to maintain some sense of control in the chaos.

The other part of asking is to make certain you don’t wash “his shirt” that still had his scent on it or mow down “her wildflowers” that she planted the last time she could garden and loved looking at each morning from the kitchen window over coffee. It may seem like a good idea to get the kids out of the house to go play, but their laughter may be the one thread holding the mourner together in that house. So always ask permission.

After all, we are here to sit WITH them on their journey, and though it may not seem like enough, I assure you it is more than enough.

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about a topic many may choose to skip, because it often scares the snot out of us! (Hint: It’s the opposite of “noise”)

Peace…

What Scares Us About Grief?: Day 1 of BE-ing with Suffering

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Monday, December 22nd, 2014 in Spiritual Care Integrity and Excellence

The following is the 1st in a series of 7 posts to help us be there for those who are grieving, especially during the holidays. The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013. All rights reserved. Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t otherwise present it without my permission.

Why is it so difficult to be with others when they are in pain? My short list of top reasons:

1) It reminds us of our own vulnerability to the icky things that happen in life.

2) It reminds us of any of our own pain or grief or fears we’ve not resolved and try to avoid looking at and dealing with.

Our discomfort with others’ discomfort can lead us to brush over their pain and emotionally abandon them when they need us the most. I think we all mean well and really WANT to show up for others, but lots of things stop us. Which are your top barriers?

Fear not knowing what to say?
Fear saying the wrong thing?
Feel the need to fix it?
Uncomfortable with pain and tears?
Uncomfortable with silence?
Others_______?

Tomorrow, and over the next week, I’ll share some tools to help us overcome these barriers. But the best foundation I know of is this—

I trust the person to find his or her way through this exactly as they need to, which means I don’t have to fix it!

I don’t need to, and I don’t get to. This journey is theirs, and I can walk with them without taking it on as my own, which disrespects and dishonors everyone involved.

The reading that helps me remember this the most is what I leave you with today. I hope you find it meaningful and helpful.

“Being a Midwife” by Lao Tzu

The wise leader does not intervene unnecessarily. The leader’s presence is felt, but often the group runs itself. Lesser leaders do a lot, say a lot, have followers and form cults. Even worse ones use fear to energize the group and force to overcome resistance. Only the most dreadful leaders have bad reputations.

Remember that you are facilitating another person’s process. It is not your process. Do not intrude. Do not control. Do not force your own needs and insights into the foreground. If you do not trust a person’s process, that person will not trust you.

Imagine that you are a midwife. You are assisting at someone else’s birth. Do good without show or fuss. Facilitate what is happening rather than what you think ought to be happening.

If you must take the lead, lead so that the Mother is helped yet still free and in charge. When the baby is born, the mother will rightly say: “We did it ourselves”.

from pg. 33 of Heider, J. (1985) The Tao of Leadership: Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching Adapted for a New Age. Atlanta, GA: Humanics Limited.

Peace,

Carla

National Launch of Spiritual Care Integrity and Excellence Curriculum

Posted by Carla Cheatham on Sunday, May 26th, 2013 in Uncategorized

Three years ago, I attended a training for Chaplains hosted by the Texas New Mexico Hospice Organization (TNMHO) in Austin. Several life-changing events happened that day:

1.) I heard an amazing speaker (Dr. Marcia Levetown) who became an instant hero and later a dear friend and tireless supporter of my work…

2.) I heard a few chaplains “behaving badly”–speaking openly of proselytizing patients at the end of life and condemning others who did not do the same…

3.) I met Diane Datz (RN, M.Div.), who saw I was about to lose my typically gentle and diplomatic composure during a small group discussion and interrupted my energetic inhale, before I verbally blasted one of these blessed brothers, by placing a calm hand on my knee…

There is so much more to this story, and you can read the full version by clicking on the “Our History” page.

In short, The TNMHO Board of Directors graciously supported Diane and I in pulling together other chaplains, a bereavement coordinator, an adult educator, and a palliative care physician to research and develop a training curriculum that has proven so effective and popular that we are now launching it nation-wide.

Professionals from other disciplines interested in spiritual care, like nurses and social workers, are also attending. The evaluations continue to be outstanding and we daily hear how hungry people are for training and support. Stay tuned for updates, and please contact us about bringing this training to your area.