The following is the 2^nd in a series of 7 brief posts to help all of us be there for those we love who are grieving, especially during the holiday season.  The content is taken from my presentation, “How Not to (Unintentionally) Say Something Stupid: BE-ing With Those Who Are Suffering” © 2013.  All rights reserved.  Feel free to share/re-post, but please don’t swipe or present it without my permission.

I most frequently hear these barriers to BE-ing with others’ pain:

• Fear not knowing what to say
• Fear saying the wrong thing
• Feel the need to fix it
• Uncomfortable with pain and tears
• Uncomfortable with silence

Hopefully yesterday’s post helped us move a bit further away from needing to “fix” others’ pain, since that understandable desire of ours can actually lead us to harm them with ill-chosen words or abandon them by saying nothing.

Today, I’ll quickly cover some of the Dos and Don’tsto help us find more comfort with discomfort and provide the caring presence we WANT to be when others are hurting.

I joke that this is the guardian angel in charge of monitoring my mouth.  None of us wants to do harm, so here are some simple tools:

Provide Presence

Follow Their Lead

Normalize vs. Minimize

Avoid “Reason”

Provide Presence—When computers first came into the workplace, co-workers thought I was a tech guru.  I’m far from it!  All I did, was stand beside their desk with a gentle hand on their shoulder as I peered at the screen with them.  I breathed slowly and spoke calmly as I got them to talk through the issue.

As they relaxed, they found the solution they needed with whatever program they were working on.  They just needed to know they weren’t alone and to have the comfort of someone with them while they found quiet space inside themselves to discover exactly what they needed.

I did nothing more than just BE with them and help create safe space as they go through the journey they need to make to find their way through.

Follow their Lead—A friend recently reminded me that in the Jewish tradition of sitting Shiva, the period of mourning and prayers following the death of a loved one, those coming to “sit” with the bereaved are not to initiate conversation.

They simply sit, and if the mourners wish to talk about the deceased or the weather or football or nothing the visitors follow their conversational lead wherever they do or don’t want to go. 

By the picture I do not mean to infantilize those suffering, but I do mean to challenge us to be willing to be a little uncomfortable, feel a little foolish, in order to be with them exactly where they are.  This is THEIR process (remember the Lao Tzu midwife quote?) and not ours to impose our own ideas or needs upon.

Normalize vs Minimize—This is one of my favorite movie shots of all time as the T-Rex in Jurassic Park is bearing down on the SUV.  My fears get much bigger when I’m in pain.  Everything feels scarier to me and greatly out of proportion.

The temptation is to try to make people feel better by minimizing their pain.  The trouble is, it’s not our pain to categorize, size, frame, or try to tamp down.  Any hint that their pain isn’t warranted will only shut others down (or piss them off!)  It’s an understandable defense mechanism we humans have, but it leaves grievers feeling not seen, not heard, and even more isolated and alone than before.

So we accept that their pain makes sense.  We validate their feelings.  Of COURSE they feel the way that feel!  It’s normal!  Their grief is THEIR grief and NO ONE should tell them how they should be feeling or responding.

And never start a sentence with “Well at least…” As one bereavement counselor I know said, “No matter what follows that opening line, you are minimizing the griever’s feelings.”

Avoid “Reason”—One of my greatest default defenses is intellectualizing.  My close friends know there are times when I launch into logic to avoid uncomfortable feelings, and lovingly call me out on it!

Sometimes, logic isn’t readily available to us.  When we are under extreme duress, our pre-fontal cortex, the area that controls executive function and decision-making, can get flooded with stress hormones that leave us not thinking clearly.  Trying to get someone to “reason” through their feelings is impractical and doesn’t honor their process.  So we, again, acknowledge and validate their feelings, giving them plenty of space to feel safe being exactly where they are.

We also are best served to not expect them to be able to answer, “How can I help?”  The brain gets fuzzy and it’s hard to know what to even ask for.  Questions can feel overwhelming.

So think of some concrete and practical ways you can be of support and then ask their permission to do it.  Part of the asking is about respect and allowing them to maintain some sense of control in the chaos.

The other part of asking is to make certain you don’t wash “his shirt” that still had his scent on it or mow down “her wildflowers” that she planted the last time she could garden and loved looking at each morning from the kitchen window over coffee.  It may seem like a good idea to get the kids out of the house to go play, but their laughter may be the one thread holding the mourner together in that house.  So always ask permission.

After all, we are here to sit WITH them on their journey, and though it may not seem like enough, I assure you it is more than enough.

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about a topic many may choose to skip, because it often scares the snot out of us! (Hint: It’s the opposite of “noise”)

Peace…